Squirrels: Thug Life

Squirrels. In most parts of the world, these are adorable petite creatures, whose bushy tails complete idyllic folkloric paintings. Not so in Ontario. Here, we have thugged out black squirrels who could probably take you out quite easily.

Recently, I had two unpleasant encounters with these bushy-tailed gangsters and both had left me feeling like a black bear encounter would've been preferable.
So first, there's this black squirrel who has claimed my balcony as his lair. In my mind, his name is Slasher.

Artistic rendition of what I think Slasher looks like when I'm absent.

Slasher dominates my balcony and goes on destruction sprees from time to time.
As if to start a turf war with me, Slasher pushes planters around, knocks over plants and digs out my flowers. After he's done with my balcony, he probably goes on to kick a puppy. That's the kind of asshole this squirrel is.

The other day, I was feeling extra brave and decided to sit on my balcony. Without any fear that fables tell us these cute fuzz balls should have, my scraggly thug of a squirrel hopped right beside me and was staring me down. This was it. Slasher was moving around my balcony with the confidence of a school bully. Any minute, I thought, he's going to break another planter and shank me with the shard and end this.

But no. He came merely to intimidate me. But I stood my ground.

But this didn't seem to satiate Slasher's appetite for fear and intimidation. Looks like the ruffian had connections downtown.

A few days after my stand-off, I was minding my own business on an otherwise picturesque café patio. I could tell there was a sniper squirrel tracking my moves from above. Suddenly, it leapt. Without so much as a warning, it crawled under my seat and grabbed my leg.

I shook it off to shocked looks of bystanders who took me for an animal abuser.

Damn you, Slasher.
Now it's on.

#TreatYoSelf birthday

Birthday is the one day of the year when people celebrate you for something you had absolutely nothing to do with. It's great. There you are and all you had to do was be born. Just imagine if you were walking down the street and someone congratulated you on sunshine. It'd be great.

And what's an extra little bonus to all the love you get from family and friends?( if you have friends, that is. If you don't, then this blog will do you double duty because you have many opportunities to eat your emotions - keep reading, champ!) Free stuff.

As you may know, a number of companies offer fun birthday deals. But I don't know about you, but I never really paid much attention to it. I always just looked on in jealousy and self-pity when others were sang to by someone dressed as a moose and presented with a free cupcake on THEIR birthday. But not this year. I took the day to wander and really get my deals on. The Queen I suppose gets two freebie days. Oh, Liz, you clever minx. Is one free Frappuccino not enough for you?? I digress.

Keep in mind, these deals are specific to Ottawa, so don't go shaking your head in sadness if you live in Zealandia, SK. I can't help you. In any way. Treat yourself to a postcard of the Rockies, I guess. Anyway, here are the deals I did:

1. Get yer hair did. During the month of your birthday, you get $20 off at Salon Rouge. Bam, now you got yourself a sweet new 'do. Not to mention, you get fancy-pants coffee drinks there like a king.

So, ok, you now have Fabio hair. Let's just say you got your hair did the day before your birthday. So in your mind just watch the night turn into day in a poetic fashion.

2. Now start the day right. Go to Denny's for your well-deserved Original Grand Slam.

3. In true birthday fashion, I considered doing the rest of the day in my birthday suit. But the closest I could get to this legally was going to a free hot yoga class at Yogatown. Work off that bacon.

4. Your steps then must naturally take you to Sephora. After all, you just did somethin' somethin' for your health, surely a little beauty treat is in order. Do it. You get a sweet birthday gift. Boys, you can probably get some manly cosmetics too, or else you can finally get that perfect shade of red for your moonlighting career as a boyesque performer. It's a thing. Go Bing that shit.

5. Ok. Now it's time to cash in on your Starbucks love. You've been buying tall brewed coffees for months so you can finally roll into the store and with the boisterousness of a drunken uncle at a wedding, yell out: "Make me the creamiest, sweetest, biggest beverage you can, barista! Don't be cheap on the whipped cream and if it comes in anything other than a trough, try again." Huzzah!

6. If you'd like to shake off the fat before heading over to your next free feast, you animal, you can partake in another free yoga class, offered by Elevate Yoga.

7. Now, you're ready to take on the feast of all feasts. Put on your stretchy pants, put on your game face and head over to the buffet at Tucker's Marketplace. Just do it. If you start feeling full, don't give up. Go for a jog around the food stations and get back to it, tiger. This is your time to shine.

If you really want to squeeze in one more tasty beverage, Booster Juice has you covered with one regular bevvie.

And there you have your free day. Now it's time to  finally look yourself in the mirror and ponder the depths of getting older. Until next year, giant tubs of Starbucks and never-ending plates of food. Until next year. #Treatyoself