Despite the belief that the English-speaking world is experiencing serious shortage of apostrophes, which has permeated the culture more thoroughly than snot in a single-ply, no-name brand facial tissue, sources report the notion is false. The modern world spelling culture would lead many to believe that rationing of apostrophes was at play, but this is far from the truth, according to a source.
"I went through the numbers and this is false," said Tom Laidl, an English professor from an unnamed university" it is...no, wait it's false," he corrected himself excitedly and as if struck by a sudden bout of grammar Turrett's Syndrome, he repeated " it's it's it's, not you are, you're! ha!"
The perceived shortage is believed to have been started by the same rogue group of language anarchists that fought to have "z" become more popular in the English language by its inclusion in plural forms of nouns, such as skillz,girlz and others. The same group has also popularized the letter "k" by substituting it for the letter c in words such as kool.
"I am not sure who started it, but sometime at around the time when text messaging took over for honest letter-writing,I began to notice a pattern of sentences that made very little to no sense," the professor continued upon settling down from his excitable performance earlier.
He quoted examples such as "youre great," "its great to see you" or their going to be there."
"The pattern was fascinating. Some people would rather use a completely made up word or an incorrect one rather that risk using up their precious apostrophes," Laidl said.
He continued to explain that the anarchist grammar group was found to have been also responsible for giving the word "of" a little more of a starring role in the language by frequently inserting it in place of "have" in circumstances, such as "I would of been there."
Upon finding out that the apostrophe shortage was faux, many frolicked in the streets, happily shouting out possessives at random as if struck by lightning. Sadly, soon after the announcement was made public, many began inserting an apostrophe left, right and centre. Much to Laidl's chagrin and the anarchy group's jocularity, it wasn't long before "it's" became a possessive.
"They'll get over it," he concluded while he sobbed quietly into his first edition Marriam Webster Dictionary.
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