Squirrels: Thug Life

Squirrels. In most parts of the world, these are adorable petite creatures, whose bushy tails complete idyllic folkloric paintings. Not so in Ontario. Here, we have thugged out black squirrels who could probably take you out quite easily.

Recently, I had two unpleasant encounters with these bushy-tailed gangsters and both had left me feeling like a black bear encounter would've been preferable.
So first, there's this black squirrel who has claimed my balcony as his lair. In my mind, his name is Slasher.

Artistic rendition of what I think Slasher looks like when I'm absent.

Slasher dominates my balcony and goes on destruction sprees from time to time.
As if to start a turf war with me, Slasher pushes planters around, knocks over plants and digs out my flowers. After he's done with my balcony, he probably goes on to kick a puppy. That's the kind of asshole this squirrel is.

The other day, I was feeling extra brave and decided to sit on my balcony. Without any fear that fables tell us these cute fuzz balls should have, my scraggly thug of a squirrel hopped right beside me and was staring me down. This was it. Slasher was moving around my balcony with the confidence of a school bully. Any minute, I thought, he's going to break another planter and shank me with the shard and end this.

But no. He came merely to intimidate me. But I stood my ground.

But this didn't seem to satiate Slasher's appetite for fear and intimidation. Looks like the ruffian had connections downtown.

A few days after my stand-off, I was minding my own business on an otherwise picturesque café patio. I could tell there was a sniper squirrel tracking my moves from above. Suddenly, it leapt. Without so much as a warning, it crawled under my seat and grabbed my leg.

I shook it off to shocked looks of bystanders who took me for an animal abuser.

Damn you, Slasher.
Now it's on.