Just when I thought I had it.

Since it’s Valentine’s Day and all that I thought I would share an amusing story that just goes to show what the true priorities in any loving relationship should be. Take note.

This conversation happened almost a year ago while I was visiting a lovely friend of mine. Now, my friend is a stay-at-home mom to two little girls. This will matter to you shortly.

Let me set the scene. It was a beautiful sunny, Hawaiian morning and it was a good time for me to just enjoy the fact that I’m kinda just killing it and hanging out in Hawaii. I don’t need no relationship! (this is what I thought before a pint-sized relationship expert drew me in for a quick dish session.)

I was re-packing my backpack. A backpack that, I should add, had a little pink flower keychain on it. This. This goddamn flower is what started the talk.

“Do you have this pink flower on there because you’re a girl?” asked my friend’s 4-year-old.

Here’s where I thought I had my chance to impart modern-day wisdom.

“Well, a boy can have a pink flower keychain too if he likes it.”

And here it came.

“Ok. So then your husband has a keychain like this too then?”

Fair conclusion.
“Well, I don’t have a husband.”
Her little face tried to hide shock and disappointment in my life.

“….a boyfriend?” she asked hopefully.

“Well, no, I don’t have a boyfriend now,” I answered. This didn’t sit well with her though and you could tell shit just wasn’t adding up.

“But does that mean YOU have to go to work?”

Now, I was disappointed in my life too.
“Yes, yes I do,” I nodded sadly.
Still, more questions were brewing.

“So, what if you want to have kids?” Ah. The question every 30-some-year-old single girl loves to hear. Should I tell her that a kid can be had after just a couple of glasses of wine and zero marriage ceremony? No. I can’t shatter her view just yet.

“Well, I have cute nieces so I can always play with them.”

She gave me a sympathetic look and sat there in silence. After some time, the real bombshell of a question shot out.

“But what if you want to play board games?”
I can’t say I haven’t considered this key element of a relationship in the past, but slamming it out there like that really makes you think. Board games. How do I play board games alone? In a matter of minutes, the attitude I started the day with - one where I was a confident, independent, traveling woman with a good job - was shattered.

“Well,” I said, trying to save my failing image, “I have friends I can play with.”

I think at this point she questioned whether I even had friends. I’ve let her down so much already.

“True,” she conceded, “but you have to leave your house for that.”

 

The one where I realize I was a soul-less child.

Children are strange. They have priorities in life that seem to escape logic and as adults the oddest pieces of childhood are remembered.
The other day, I shared one of those memories with my mom, who looked at me quizzically as if to confirm that I was still hers.

What I had recalled, you see, was my first brush with crime. But it was a crime that I had clearly willfully forgotten about because it was proof that as a child, I did not have a soul or indeed empathy for any other human being. Think pulling kitten’s tail, but worse. Think throwing someone’s prosthetic leg in the fire, but worse.

It’s time to come clean and share the moment that separated me from a loveable child and a heartless criminal.

“Oh, what did you take someone’s crayon?” you’re likely thinking with a forgiving wink in your eye.

“Did you purposefully muddy up your sister’s shirt because she and your cousin had the same one and you didn’t and you were jealous?"

Yes, that happened also, but this was worse.

I stole from an orphan. Nay - multiple orphans.

You hope I am exaggerating or using fanciful terminology, but you’re wrong.

Let me take you back to the years that formed me into a human being.

My mom worked at an orphanage. Now that makes it sound like I grew up at the turn of the 19^th century and she took a buggy to work right after she beat our laundry on the rock, but nope. That’s a thing.

Now, we would go there sometimes to hang out with fellow children, but – let that sink in – you know, they were orphans, while I had parents.

But here’s what you don’t understand. These children had the coolest toy ever and I wanted it. Was it a Barbie? No, you fools. Barbies were owned by capitalist wannabes. Was it Lego? Also no. It was a tennis ball with a slit in it on a stick.

This sort of gives you an idea of the barometer of coolness against which  I was judging life’s luxuries. And while the parentless children looked on, I took this toy home.

It was not until later on in life (some might say, shockingly later) that my conscience alterted me that stealing from orphans is uncouth.

Did every child NOT clean a gas mask?

Let me preface this by saying that by all accounts, I had a really awesome childhood.

But, every time I speak with someone who was born and raised in Canada, I am reminded of how different my own experience was. When I mention the main colour of my childhood was beige, I’m not exaggerating. For some reason, most of the outfits you could buy behind the ol’ Iron Curtain seemed to be beige in colour.

I remember the excitement I felt when our exotic Canadian uncle sent us purple jackets.

I was all like “daaaamn son, I’ve got it made now!” I was almost blinded by the colour of capitalism.

Yet another reminder came a few months ago when we were all getting ready for a Halloween outing and one girl came by with a gas mask clipped to her belt, claiming to be a Russian Spy.

Everyone was amazed at the ludicrousness of such a realistic accessory. To me it just seemed like a fond childhood memory.

“Oh! That looks just like the ones we cleaned as kids during our exercises!” I squealed with the delight of a child who just spotted his/her favourite childhood snack.

Blank faces turned to me in horror.

“…Pardon?”

“Well, I mean we had to be ready, right? So we each had a gas mask – sometimes had to share one among a couple of us – and we cleaned them and made sure they still fit!”

I mean, I’m not suggesting everyone needs to clean a gas mask to have a happy childhood memory, but then what DID you people do in school?

Yet another thing that made me a tough kid, I think, were the regular camp games that we all participated in.

Sure, there was colouring and all of that safe stuff. But we also participated in something called the grenade toss. That’s right, give your kids what – I assume now in retrospect were inactive – grenades and we competed to see who can throw it farther. No biggie. This I thought was yet another childhood activity that everyone could relate to. Turns out, not so. Again, what DID you people toss if not a grenade?

I’m still grappling with my ability to relate to other children as they quote their experiences of day camps without grenade toss, colourful outfits and masks they wore for fun rather than as a prepper.

Damnit,Meredith - you're ruining my ER expecations!

I realize that I’m about a decade too late on my diatribe about Grey’s Anatomy. But I only recently started watching Grey’s Anatomy and it has left me with some pretty strong feelings. And I just need to get it out of me. Much like an aneurism might explode on Derek’s table, so too do my emotions in this blog.

First of all, can we just talk about unrealistic expectations this show sets up for us in terms of healthcare? Now, I’ve been to an ER once or twice but my experience was vastly different from that of the emergent patients riding on up to the doors of Seattle Grace/Mercy West/Grey Sloan Memorial hospital.
Generally speaking there is never a welcome parade of ridiculously good looking doctors just waiting outside the emergency entrance, ready to fight over who gets to give you better service.

Here’s what my latest ER experience was:

You walk in and are immediately hopeful that perhaps this time it will not take 6 hours to be seen. But that’s where you’re wrong. You’re shuffled from one waiting room to the next, your hope slowly fading into nothingness with each step you take towards the mirage of health. Once you’ve been there for good 2 or 3 hours, you start to question the severity of your injury. Could I just maybe go home and die quietly? Is this worth it? But then your sense of commitment kicks in and like a girl at the end of a never-ending bathroom line, you are determined to see it through. You’ve put in too much time to give up now. You will not give them the satisfaction.

Though there are some weak ones out there who just can’t take the pressure. While I was stoically in my 4^th hour of wait time, a sickly looking gal was brought in. She was supported by two of her friends and barely mobile. She looked on the verge of death and the human side of me wanted her to go ahead of me. But then also, I was all like: she should’ve gotten sick sooner. This spot is MINE.

But also, she looked like she only had a couple of hours left. They even brought out a gurney so she could await the sweet release of death in comfort. That’s when she whispered:

“How long before I can be seen?”
And the nurse answered, “Probably in 2.5 hours.”
“That’s ridiculous!” the sickly girl shouted, hopped off the gurney and marched out the door.

 

But this side is never seen on Grey’s Anatomy. And it just hurts my expectations. One episode should just be from the point of view of someone in the waiting room. Just 45 minutes of waiting. The episode would end with “to be continued.”

 

Netflix support: From reset to meeting each other's parents

Just to prove further that Netflix customer service is great....this is a transcript of my convo with one of their support staff. Keep in mind that I have spoken to this particular support dude once before...Anyway, enjoy the read!




Netflix Trevor

Hello my name is Trevor and i'll be your Netflix expert today. Who am I speaking with ?

You

Marketa

Netflix Trevor

Hey Marketa :) It's nice to talk to you again.

Netflix Trevor

What's going on ?

You

Well, Netflix on my smarttv is not at all recognizing my new account info

Netflix Trevor

Aaa gotcha, well you came to the right person for help ! one moment while I get your account pulled up.

Netflix Trevor

Alright, can you sign into other devices with the same log in info ?

You

yeah my computer seems fine

Netflix Trevor

Okay cool, so this means that there is some backed up data going through the Netflix app on the TV. But don't worry, let's go through some steps to get this working for ya Marketa :) Could I have you unplug the TV from the power outlet for 1 min. Then press the power button on the TV before plugging it back in. This will fully discharge the TV from any stuck electrical currents.

You

ok

Netflix Trevor

Let me know if you can sign in after.

You

nope

Netflix Trevor

Alright, no problem. Could I now have you press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, Up, Up, Up, Up. on the TV's remote while on the sign in screen. Let me know if you get a different screen.

You

just a sec

Netflix Trevor

Take your time :)

You

so i still press sign-in on the home page right>

Netflix Trevor

No, you will need to press those buttons on the remote in that order and a second screen should pop up.

Netflix Trevor

It might take a couple times.

You

ah ok

Netflix Trevor

:)

You

nothing's happening

Netflix Trevor

Alright, no problem. There is one more way to get you signed out of the app and get rid of that backed up data. We will need to reset the TV. Don't worry, this won't harm the TV at all either. Let me grab those steps really quick.

You

ok

Netflix Trevor

Thank you for all of your patience Marketa. You having a good morning so far ?

You

well sure ! how come you're the only one working for Netflix?

You

seemingly

Netflix Trevor

LOL It's just a luck of the draw I guess. I have only had a few people that I have talked to more than once :)

You

ok i thought the whole enterprise was run by you and your pet cat named Theodor

You

anyway - carry on

Netflix Trevor

LOL Theodor is pretty skilled, but not very friendly :)

Netflix Trevor

Thank you.

Netflix Trevor

Alright, here are the steps to reset the TV. Let me know if you have any questions on them.

Netflix Trevor

Press the Home button on your remote. Select Setup. Select TV Settings. Select General. Select Reinstall TV.

You

hmm i have no tv settings

You

i see picture, sound, features, installation, software

Netflix Trevor

Interesting... And you are out of the Netlfix app in the TV's main menu ?

You

yeah

Netflix Trevor

Okay one moment.

You

would restoring default settings do the trick?

Netflix Trevor

Yes that is what we're looking for :)

You

no man, this isn't happening at all. it wants a pin from me that i never actually set

You

oy vey

Netflix Trevor

Try 0000

Netflix Trevor

It's usually the default password.

You

ah winner!

Netflix Trevor

SWEETT !! haha

You

now everything is dark and the tv's off...

Netflix Trevor

Ya it will restart itself during the reset.

You

what have we done?? this tv was my only friend.

Netflix Trevor

LOL don't worry it will come back up :) If not, then let's go ahead and press the power button to bring it back up.

You

ok so it's been quiet for a while now...turn it on?

Netflix Trevor

Yes

Netflix Trevor

It should have you set it back up after it comes on.

You

despite how i come across i'm not actually 89 and usually grasp technology

Netflix Trevor

OH I know the feeling all to well Marketa :)

You

ok it's just looking for channels and such

Netflix Trevor

Okay no problem at all, I'm a pretty patient guy haha.

You

unlike theodor

You

do you get to watch netflix at work as part of training?

Netflix Trevor

Ya, he would be pretty rude lol No unfortunately not :/ But I love the job so I guess I am fine with not watching at work lol

You

oh well, i guess you and your coworkers can at least re-enact your favourite scenes for one another

Netflix Trevor

Ya we have a lot of fun at work haha We are laughing constantly and cracking jokes. it makes the day a lot better.

You

oh that's nice :) it sounds like a magical land

You

(ps. still looking for channels...)

Netflix Trevor

Ya kind of like stumbling into Narnia :) Oh gotcha, no worries. You were in the main smart TV's settings right ?

You

yep...so resetting everything that my tv knew about me.

You

like language and where it's sittign and all that jazz

Netflix Trevor

Oh gotcha, if you want to set that back up, I would be more than happy to wait with you :) Is it still going through channels ?

You

yes it is...apparently i'm baller and have many channels

Netflix Trevor

Ya I was just thinking that !! You must be pretty popular haha What do you usually do for fun in Canada ? Isn't it pretty cold all year round ? I don't know much about it.

You

clearly! it's actually 12 degrees right now...Celsius that is.

You

not sure what that is in your made-up temperature degrees

You

i'm just heading off to a Xmas market actually to sell my pottery

Netflix Trevor

LOL I am not sure. Oh you make pottery ? It get's pretty cold here too during the winter.

You

where are you?

Netflix Trevor

I am in Utah, in the US. Great snowboarding powder though :)

You

see? you know what winter's all about. everyone's just imagining all of Canada to be a frozen tundra. But it ain't.

Netflix Trevor

I just looked at some pictures :) It looks beautiful ! What part are you in ?

You

Ottawa

You

it's pretty

Netflix Trevor

Looking at a couple pictures :)

Netflix Trevor

Are there a lot of castles there ?

You

hahah

You

yes i live in the biggest one

You

right beside our hunky new Prime Minister

Netflix Trevor

THATS AWESOME !!! Yes I am a little gulible haha I have always wanted to tour around in a well known castle.

Netflix Trevor

Oooh do you go borrow sugar from him every now and again ?

You

he doesn't eat sugar. he's naturally sweet ;)

You

bahaha

Netflix Trevor

LOL I think someone has a crush ?

You

well have you SEEN him?

You

i mean no offense, but compare him to your Trump...and well...you'll want to move here ;)

Netflix Trevor

Ya I just looked at a picture of him haha I don't swing that way, but he's not a bad looking guy. Ya I am not sure what's going on with that, but I might have to move over that way after all of this.

Netflix Trevor

How's that TV coming ? any progress haha ?

You

OMG I think it worked!! huzzah!

You

well, Trevor I feel like after this chat I just need to introduce you to my parents.

Netflix Trevor

Oh professor farnsworth lol LOL Name the time and place and i'm there :)

You

hahah

Netflix Trevor

So it let you sign in and everything ? The anticipation is killing me !

You

yes I did. I know I kept you on the edge of your seat...but it's over. We won.

Netflix Trevor

The war against the machines is over !!! Now to go out and celebrate lol I am so happy you can get back to watching some good ol shows :) Was there anything else I can help out with today Marketa ?

You

No sir. I am good. The only thing you can do to help yourself is visit Ottawa.

Netflix Trevor

Ya it's on my list now ! I actually just made a memo of it :) Maybe we will bump into eachother haha. Alright, well I really hope you have a great day and a great weekend ! Thank you for the convo, it's nice to talk to someone every once in a while haha. See ya Marketa. And one more thing, if you wouldn't mind, please stay online for a one question survey.

How to be basic: a guide to yoga

Yoga. It’s one of those things that us white folk just adopted as one of our own and pretend like it was our culture all along. I can’t really think of another example from history of this, but it will come to me. Yoga brings forth images of tight pants, wrist infinity tattoos and water bottles that are actually just mason jars, because bringing along glassware with an awkward lid just seems downright practical, rather than inner peace.

But, I won’t lie. I too tried to welcome yoga into my life. And I mean more than just the occasional downward dog on the Hill. (You see, I got the lingo down.)
My voyage into the land of Namaste started with a class that was basically a feel-good afternoon, where you lay still as someone tells you that you are awesome and really should just keep being awesome. I agreed. So I came back every week. Then, however, the class was extended to an hour and half. And let’s face it: I got things to do. I can’t be zenning out for 90 minutes at a time. Just give me my emotional high-five and let’s move on.

So then came Tantric Yoga. “Ooh, you vixen, you!” you might be thinking. “What sexy time that must have been,” you might ponder with a mason jar of kombucha in your hand. You are mistaken. Images of said three-hour exercise in awkwardness still haunt my dreams. They promised us we would find our soulmates there. They promised! Yet, my soul never felt darker or lonelier afterwards. The man who looked like a 1920s strongman left little doubt in my mind why he was still looking for love. And so, after three hours of giving strangers back rubs and feeding each other bananas, I went home.

Yet, even that didn’t deter me from yoga; though it did deter me from bananas for a while. And so came time for Acroyoga. This here is a magical thing that turns you into a circus performer in an instant, if you are ok with diving headfirst into a stranger’s crotch. And for a while, I was. I sat atop strangers’ feet, I dove into crotches and I balanced others. But every good thing must come to an end.

For me, it was time for Hot Yoga. Ahh, sweating profusely in the company of others – nothing gets my motor revving more than that. You develop sweat spots in places you didn’t know could sweat and soon abandon all hope of ever feeling desirable again. I longed for the 1920s strongman. I wanted to feel pretty.

But last week, I found the right yoga for me. This was Aerial Yoga. At last, I felt, I found my calling. No more holding downward dog poses that others make look like sleek triangles, while I resembled an old woman with a hump. Tree poses that make me question whether I would ever pass the drunk balance test sober shall be no more. No more! The hammock does it all for you. Nestled in the sweet, sweet cocoon of a hammock, you are free to pretend you did something good for your health. Next time, I’m bringing a Corona.  

The Polite Baby and the Rebel youth

Public transit is like a party, for which no one was in charge of curbing the guest list.

“Gary, why is your accountant here? Did you invite her?”
“No man, did you invite the homeless man?”
“Why is there a clown riding a llama?”

Literally, anyone can and will show up. Sometimes, these are just belligerent old men who loudly proclaim the demise of society as damn women started to get education.

Sometimes, it’s a rebellious youth who didn’t consider nasal needs when getting his awkwardly placed piercing and thus sits there sniffling, just trying to free that trapped booger that’s hanging onto his piercing.

He’s probably thinking: “Damnit, I won’t let my parents get the better of me. Sure, it’s uncomfortable and sure the sniffles have cost me many a romantic possibility, but goddamnit, I’m keeping these!” And he sniffles.

But sometimes, babies load up.

There were two of these passengers today. Now, not being a mother myself, I can’t really give an age estimate on these two babes. All I can pretty well guarantee is that they were out of the womb but not yet in college. If pressed, I would guess less than a year.

One was a thug life show-off baby. The other was a polite baby.

At first, the interaction between these two was limited as neither had noticed the other across the aisle. And so we sat there and watched.

The polite baby, free of her pesky gloves, stretched out her fingers and with gratitude, she smiled at her mom who had liberated her from the entrapment of her pink gloves.

The show-off baby started reaching into the cup holders for stale Cheerios and humblebragging to the whole bus. His speech was limited to undecipherable baby noises, so allow me to translate.

“Yo, look at all these Cheerios I could have if I wanted to. But I won’t. I can just toss this one into the aisle, because I will get more.”

Polite baby smiles.

Show-off baby starts belligerently babbling on and bragging, presumably, about his cool shoes that had dogs on them. I would brag too, truthfully, had I had shoes like that.

At this point, the two babies locked eyes. It was on.

Show-off baby leaned back all casual-like in his stroller. He ain’t got to impress nobody.

Polite baby shot out enormous snot out of her delicate nose.

The bus audience froze with faces of horror.

We watched in silence as the snot hang on her porcelain face, threatening to continue its journey elsewhere.

The mom reacted quickly and cleaned her off. We all breathed a sigh of relief. Crisis averted.

Polite baby turned around and audibly thanked her mom. She knew what could’ve happened.

As the bus pulled into the stop, both babies had to get off. You know, baby stuff to do.

Polite baby waved at everyone, gently cooing “bye” as she was wheeled off the bus.

The show-off baby continued to babble loudly, probably still bragging about Cheerios he can soon consume.